


Vengeful Rumor

by fragilecapricornpanic



Series: Allison’s Wedding [9]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves Friendship, Canon Compliant, Confused Luther Hargreeves, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, Humor, Luther Hargreeves Has a Human Body, Minor Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves, No Incest, One Shot, One Shot Collection, POV Alternating, Pre-Canon, Reginald Hargreeves Bashing, Soft Diego Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves Deserves Better, allison’s wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:02:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27369979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilecapricornpanic/pseuds/fragilecapricornpanic
Summary: Abruptly finding himself sat with a disgruntled Diego, Klaus had no memory of even walking over here. “She rumored me into this too, don’t think I wanna spend time with you.” Diego muttered, glaring over at Allison. She gave them an obnoxiously smug smile. Did that mean he was rumored into being stuck with Klaus?! Testing out his theory, Klaus excitedly stood from his seat and walked across the room - leading to Diego unwillingly traipsing along behind him. This was the best rumorever!Was this supposed to be a punishment?! There were so many ways for Klaus to infuriate him...
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves/Patrick, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: Allison’s Wedding [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904155
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	Vengeful Rumor

**Author's Note:**

> There’s no actual Alluther in this, it’s just Klaus teasing her about it

Harshly kicking Klaus under the table, Allison was enraged that he wouldn’t stop making moves on her bridesmaids. It was like Klaus was trying to win some kind of wedding promiscuity competition. Why did she have to have so many gay friends? It was just awkward since these guys were her closest friends, Allison wouldn’t give a damn what Klaus was up to otherwise. He could sleep with the whole country for all Allison cared, as long as they weren’t her besties.

Her brother spitefully kicked her back, stubbornly refusing to give up on his current conquest. Her actions actually just made him more determined, beginning to passionately make out with her friend Matt. Allison fiercely kicked her brother again, in the crotch this time. “Christ, Allison!” Klaus melodramatically spluttered in agony, which thankfully quickly scared Matt away - fearing he’d receive the same punishment.

Matt was frankly lucky to escape a rumor from Allison, that was what she’d done to the others. So far today Allison had dished out an uncountable amount of rumors. Not only did she have to rumor Patrick into staying away from her family, she’d also had to do vice versa too - just to cover all grounds. If they met, Patrick would probably file for an annulment before they’d even been married a whole day. “Just go find somebody else, leave my bridesmaids alone!” Allison insisted in hushed tones, keeping her heel off incase her brother needed kicking again. He inevitably would. “I already did that! What do you think I’ve been doing since I got here?!” Klaus retaliated with way too much sass for Allison’s liking. He was precariously on the edge of receiving a vengeful rumor.

Allison kicked her brother again when his attention was immediately caught by yet another of her many bridesmaids. “It’s like you need to be neutered!” It would be morbidly interesting to be a fly on the wall in Klaus’ brain.

“Why are you cock blocking me?!” Klaus choked in pain, angrily gesturing over to Matt and the other bridesmaids Allison had to keep separating him from. “Because they’re my best friends and you’re my brother, it’s weird!” she hissed, leaning across the table so their embarrassing quarrelling couldn’t be overheard - it would surely end up in the tabloids. The press liked to bug her with questions about Klaus’ constant turmoil and shenanigans.

“Oh, are we really gonna go there about what’s _weird_ to do with a brother?!” Klaus pettily hissed back, his comment so far over the line that the line itself was no longer even visible. Allison scandalously gasped and fiercely kicked his crotch again. He animatedly chortled through groaning in pain, clearly not regretting his remark. “Woooorth it!” her brother breathlessly sang, finding himself utterly hilarious. How was he not tired of the jokes about her and Luther after all of these years?! Thank god there was nobody else on their table right now... especially Patrick.

“We’re adopted!” Allison whisperingly exclaimed, though she wasn’t sure why she was defending something that never even happened. It was just a stupid childhood crush. “Would you bang Diego?!” Klaus snapped back far too loudly, hastily shuffling his chair backwards before Allison could kick him once more. “Ew! Why would you even say that?!” The mere idea of that was indescribably disgusting, Allison wanted to rumor away her own memory of that question. Grimacing wasn’t a strong enough word for the revulsion on Allison’s face. “Exactly!” Klaus proudly yelled with a shit-eating grin.

This wedding just kept getting better and better for Klaus. It was like there were an unlimited amount of arguments he could start. He’d even argued with Wendy Williams, just for the hell of it. That was before Allison had used her power to ban him from approaching celebrities. Why she hadn’t done so to begin with was unknown to Klaus, of course he’d stir up Hollywood drama.

“We never even touched each other!” his sister explained quietly, which was hard to hear over the chatter of the room. Klaus ecstatically rushed over to sit beside her instead, ravenously needing all the gossip he could possibly get. “Bullshit, he used to go into your room!” It had been unbelievably exciting for Klaus when he’d discovered them doing that, it gave him so much ammunition for teasing; Diego had nearly puked when he’d told him. “To _talk!_ ” Allison murmured, looking around them anxiously. “Yeah, to talk about bangi-“ Klaus groaned again when Allison punched him in the crotch. “You’re gonna make me infertile!”

That would be a good segue into telling Klaus that she and Patrick were trying for a baby, but he was such a blabber mouth that Allison was worried the entire world would know within the next 72 hours. She needed to tell somebody though... Luther obviously wasn’t an option, and Diego would just make a snarky comment. Allison decided she’d just wipe Klaus’ memory after this chat. “We’re thinking of having a baby.” Allison whispered in her brother’s ear, not wanting a soul to overhear this declaration.

“You and Luther? Are you sure Patrick will be o-“ Klaus evidently hadn’t learnt his lesson, once again laughingly coughing in agony from a scolding whack. “Please stop doing that, you know I have no self control!” her brother whined in anguish, which probably wasn’t over the top anymore considering Allison had delivered a low blow repeatedly.

Ben was absolutely loving this, there were so many occasions he’d wanted to do the exact same thing. A few times today alone. “What’s she saying?” Ben nosily asked, feeling left out of this clearly enthralling whispering. Klaus hissed at him like a cat, causing slight alarm from Allison. Why did nobody explicitly call him out when he did this shit? Accepting he wasn’t going to get the details from Klaus, Ben wandered over to eavesdrop. His brother aggressively threw a hand through Ben’s head to shoo him.

It was growing more appealing for Allison to pawn Klaus off to Diego. Where the hell was he? Couldn’t he deal with this bullshit instead? Hopefully Klaus’ flailing wouldn’t draw too much negative attention to them. Pretending not to notice whatever her brother was doing, Allison focused back to her confession. “I’m happy for you, you’ll be a good mom.” Klaus whispered, still randomly throwing a hand around behind their heads. Smiling demurely, Allison hoped her brother’s compliment would prove to be true. “I’m worried I’ll fuck my kid up, like dad did to us...” she glumly admitted, terrified of putting a child through what they went through. “You’re not gonna torture your kid, you won’t be like dad.” Klaus reassured her, sounding aggrievedly resentful like every time their father came up in discussion.

They sat in silence for a moment, reflecting on Allison hopefully becoming a parent. The only one talking was Ben nagging, like he did every single minute of every single goddamn day. “I have a hypothetical parenting question!” Klaus chirpily exclaimed, desperate to speedily stop thinking about their dad. Absurdity was always a good way to escape things. Allison raised an eyebrow, already anticipating his query being stupid. She would be correct in that assumption. “Say you adopt two kids,” he breezily began, to which Allison reluctantly nodded “and you raise them as siblings...” Klaus nonchalantly continued, bracing himself for Allison attacking him. “Would you mind if they wanted to ban-“

Abruptly finding himself sat with an extremely disgruntled Diego, Klaus had no memory of even walking over here. That bitch. “She rumored me into this, don’t think I wanna spend time with you.” Diego grumpily muttered, glaring across the room at Allison. She gave them an obnoxiously smug smile. Did that mean he was rumored into being stuck with Klaus?! Testing out his theory, Klaus excitedly stood from his seat and made his way across the room - which lead to Diego unwillingly traipsing along right behind him. This was the best day and best rumor _ever!_ Was this supposed to be a punishment?! Pfft. There were so many ways for Klaus to infuriate him...

—

Snatching yet another cigarette from Klaus’ hand, Diego was enraged by him chain smoking purely to force Diego to inhale it. Being rumored into following Luther around would be less torturous than this. Okay, maybe that was a slight exaggeration. “If you keep doing that I’ll smoke heroin instead.” Klaus giggled, absolutely devoted to that promise. He was getting so much joy out of this rumor, it was sickening. Diego instantly stopped jostling and gave the cigarette back, knowing Klaus really was petty enough to follow through with that threat. Coughing at the grotesque smoke, Diego pulled a coin from his wallet and threw it around the corner, into the reception, and bang on the center of Allison’s nose.

“Ow!” Allison clutched her nose, furious that Diego would mess up her makeup. What if her nose had bled?! Patrick began to worriedly fuss over her, confused as to what the hell just happened.

Witnessing their revenge, both Diego and Klaus were sadistically chuckling. “Throw one at her boob!” Klaus impishly requested, giving Allison the finger through the doorway. “I’m not gonna throw one at her boob, what the hell is wrong with you?” Diego retorted with a scowl, even though that was a pretty funny idea. “Do you know how many times she hit me in the dick earlier?!” Although Klaus would’ve completely deserved that, Diego decided he wanted to aim for her boob anyway. It was karma for this unbearable rumor.

Gasping with offended horror, Allison could hardly believe what Diego had just done. That cheap shot had to have been Klaus’ idea. What if the coin had left a mark on her dress?! “I don’t understand what’s happening, Allison...” Patrick grabbed Allison with protective bewilderment, unsure how these coins were flying at her from seemingly nowhere.

“Throw one at Luther!” There was absolutely no provocation for Klaus to want Diego to do that, but it would be enjoyable to watch.

Rubbing at the back of his head, Luther pondered whether the wedding was under attack due to Allison’s link to the academy. He’d have to scope out the venue for signs of trouble. What even was that? It definitely wasn’t a bullet.

Hurriedly dodging behind the door so Luther couldn’t see them, Diego and Klaus had inadvertently regressed into being ten year olds. “Wait, have you seen Vanya?” Diego realised he hadn’t seen her all day, at least from what he could recall. As much as he hated to admit it... he’d forgotten she was even here. She was just so quiet. His brother made a noise of casual uncertainty in response. “She’s really short, she’s probably just lost in the crowd.” Klaus airily mumbled, as if she were two feet tall. “Bro, how goddamn small do you think sh-“

“Don’t ask questions, but I need you to throw one at her boob too!” Klaus scornfully pointed over to Wendy Williams. For some reason Diego happily obliged, like he too had a score to settle with her. Frantically shuffling around the corner to hide from their latest victim, Diego and Klaus were growing drunk on this mischief. At least Klaus could blame this delinquency on being unbelievably high - what was Diego’s excuse? “Do Brad Pitt, do Brad Pitt!” Klaus giddily begged, peeping into the reception hall to spot him. Klaus would love if _he_ could do Brad Pitt, but Allison had unfortunately rumored a ban on him trying to seduce famous people.

“Why Brad Pitt?!” Diego popped his head around the corner too, wondering what Brad Pitt had possibly done to deserve their wrath. Klaus shrugged in response, obviously just plucking his name out of the air. It would be kind of hilarious to throw a coin at Brad Pitt... Eudora could never know though. She’d lose her shit. Throwing things at people would never get old for Diego. Any excuse would do.

“He cheated on Jennifer Anniston, he deserves it.” Klaus came up with a bullshit rationalisation totally on the spot. “Then I should throw one at you too.” Diego jibed, aware how obscenely unfaithful his brother tended to be. One of the many things he wished he didn’t have the displeasure of knowing about Klaus’ life. “I don’t cheat on _Jennifer Anniston_ , it’s completely different!” That logic was insanely flawed, but Diego knew that getting into a quarrel about it would be useless.

Sensing Diego’s judgement, his brother turned to glower at him. “I cheat on them, they cheat on me! It evens out, its...” Klaus threw a hand around in thought “...PEDMAS and shit!” There were so many things crazily wrong with that statement that Diego didn’t even know where to begin. Instead he just chose not to dignify it with a reply. “You’re not Five, don’t lecture me about math.” Klaus hissed over his shoulder at nothing. Throwing a coin at Brad Pitt would definitely be something Diego could gloat about in the future... Halting Klaus defensively bickering with himself by nudging him in the side, Diego drew his attention to their most famous target so far. “Throw it at his sexy nose!”

Really, _Brad Pitt?!_ Allison burst up from her seat, furiously marching over to her ridiculously infantile brothers. When would they finally grow up? This rumor had backfired spectacularly. They always did. She could hear them laughing like schoolboys before she’d even reached the courtyard. Both of them sheepishly stilled, in a manner that would’ve looked suspicious even if Allison hadn’t been aware of their antics. “Don’t look at me, he’s the one who throws shit.” Klaus shamelessly placed the blame on Diego, like he hadn’t been the one who undoubtedly egged him on. The way Diego slowly turned to disbelievingly scowl at Klaus was pretty amusing, but Allison refused to smirk.

“I’ll end your rumor if you stop throwing things at people.” Allison sternly put forward her truce, regretting ever meddling in the first place. Number Two eagerly nodded, whilst Number Four looked like he was rather enjoying being able to irritate Diego. As long as they stopped causing mayhem, Allison didn’t care. “I heard a rumor...” Diego’s eyes clouded over white “...that you don’t have to follow Klaus anymore.” Pleased that her end of the deal was completed, Allison keenly flounced back to her new husband. They better not stir up more chaos. None of them should’ve ever been invited. Brad Pitt couldn’t even be rumored into forgetting what had just happened, there were too many witnesses.

Blinking out of his trance, Diego grabbed Klaus’ elbow before he could follow their sister inside. “Tell anybody about this shit and I’ll tell Allison about the time you set fire to her Care Bear.” Diego menacingly blackmailed, them both aware how attached Allison had been to that damn thing. The remains of it had had to be quickly thrown from the window by Diego before she could mind control them into oblivion. Diego hadn’t even been an accomplice, but she would’ve taken it out on him anyway just for being there. Allison would definitely rumor Klaus into something out of revenge for his childhood arson. Probably a lengthy stint in rehab.

Klaus instantly mimed zipping his mouth shut, something Diego wished could legitimately be done to him. “Our bromance is safe with me.” his brother condescendingly whispered, heading off to get back up to whatever weird and likely perverted shit he’d been doing when Allison had originally made Diego babysit him. Asshole. “We don’t have a goddamn bromance!”


End file.
